As long as a woman is forced into believing she is powerless and/or is trained to not consciously register what she knows to be true, the feminine impulses and gifts of her psyche continue to be killed off.

~ Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize that nothing really belongs to them.

-Paulo Coelho

If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine. It is lethal.
-Paulo Coelho

 

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So I’m sitting here, reading about the power of attraction and manifesting what you want into reality. I must admit I have sometimes tried to practice this but the world’s reality always gets in the way by bombarding me with fear and doubt. Every time i come across such a message i can feel in my marrow that it is true, it just requires me to be mindful and aware of my thoughts and what comes out of my mouth. Simple right? Not.

This morning i woke up to silence, for the first time in a few months i woke up to silence. I was grateful. With the transitions that have been happening in  my life lately, i never get time to myself, there is always some chatter around the house or inside my mind.

Today I was given the chance to go about my morning business in silence, and indeed there it was, the chatter, the useless chatter in my mind. Trying to solve problems that have not even come to pass, battling fears of things that do not even exist.

And so I took a deep breath and I prayed.

I prayed for forgiveness, from myself and from God. I confessed that I need to do better. I need stillness and quiet at least once a day, otherwise I am literally going to lose myself.

So back to speaking things/situations into existence…

I want to try it but I do not trust myself, I do not trust that I can be fully committed or fully present for it.

Another problem is the fact that I have no idea what I REALLY want. I could easily say money, my next good paying job or real love. But it all sounds a bit fluffy and predictable. I want to attract something deep and lasting and influential, to me as well as the people around me.

What to do, what to do…

I think I should take it one step at a time, I have to start by practicing mindfulness and being present so I can be able to watch my thoughts. Start small, small attractions, small changes, small manifestations.

Here we go…

 

 

 

1. There will be several days that you daydream about stepping in front of a city bus. Don’t. It will not be beautiful. It will not be brave. It will be selfish. It will be broken. Your mother will cry.

2. Don’t write for him. Write for you. Write for others like you. Write so the girl that thinks about stepping in front of public transportation doesn’t. Don’t be selfish.

3. When you will yourself to sleep and it doesn’t come- get up. It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 am. There will be other 3 am’s. Take a shower. Take two. Wash him out of your hair. Write a poem. Read the same book you’ve read 202 times again. The 203rd time might tell you something different. Don’t stay in bed- you will think about the bus again.

4. Don’t kiss him because he’s broken. Don’t kiss him because his laughter never reaches his eyes. Don’t try and fix him. Fix yourself first. Be selfish. He can’t save you.

5. Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Don’t share your popcorn at the movies with anyone. Stroll around an art museum alone. Fall in love with canvases. Fall in love with yourself.

6. Dress up and wear red lipstick and get drunk with your friends. They’re the ones that will pick you up. Don’t kiss him. Or him. Don’t fall asleep on strange couches with strange boys. When his hand slides up your dress walk away. Hit him. Don’t kiss him. He can’t save you.

7. Get another tattoo. Get five more. Get another hole in your ear. Don’t listen to your dad. You will still be able to get a job. Did you really want to be employed by someone like your father? Haven’t you had enough of judgmental old white men anyway? Get fuck you tattooed in tiny letters on your hip.

8. When you feel the yearning for a new city- start over. Take 200 bucks and three suitcases. Work anywhere that will have you. Meet strange people and forget your name. Call yourself Ruby. No one will know the difference. Remember to call your mother. Don’t be selfish. Come home when you find yourself in the strangers and the small one bedroom apartment.

9. Don’t whisper evil things into your own ear. Other people are going to shout them at you. Be your own hero. Keep a sword on your key ring.

10. Don’t step in front of a city bus. It will not be beautiful. Live. Stay up all night with a boy that promises you everything and means it. Live. See shitty local bands with a friend. Wear a different band’s t-shirt. No one will care. Live. Have a baby girl with tiny fingers and tiny toes someday. Pour love into her until it’s overflowing. Live. Wake up. Staying in bed all day is not poetic.

Live.

Live.

Live.


Do you hear that? It’s me. It’s your life. Wake up

 

Now here is the thing about being single for the longest time, when you get back in the game you have no idea ‘what must for the happen’

One moment you meet a handsome young man, you hit it off and you get down to the grown-up-adult business…

The next moment, you don’t hear from the guy again! Silence. Deafening!

Now what? you question yourself, did I do something wrong, am I just not satisfying in bed, did I go in too hard, was he just using me?

All of a sudden there’s everything wrong with the type of woman you are and there is no fault with him.

So you vent to your friends, have a few glasses of wine, vent some more and right before going to bed, you drunk-text him. Some useless one sentenced text to give yourself a little closure, and then you delete his numbers.

Life must go on. There are women who’ve experienced this and survived. So can you.

With every experience comes a lesson and with this experience you learned to not give it up so soon( even if it has been 7 months). you must play a bit of hard-to-get (even if your body is craving to feel this young man’s hands all over your body)

You must make him wait….

Aargh! The rules when it comes to the interaction between men and women are tiring!

After a few days you hear from the guy and he tells you he has been busy and tied up with work and stress.

What now?

Are you going to believe that he was literally tied down to one spot and couldnt reach for his phone? Or are you going to melt because he has apologised and its been THAT long since a guy has sounded so sincere to your ears?

 

So how do you react or respond when your partner actually agrees to end the relationship?
My response was a ‘alright then’
I’m questioning if I am really okay or if I’m just being evasive. Well, what I know for a fact is that I respect his honesty and I am a bit relieved because this so-called relationship was not going anywhere.
Why? Simply because he lives in another province and we haven’t seen each other since last year September (5months).
My reason for breaking the ice is because I realized I was holding on to a fantasy and I was holding myself and him back from being in an actual relationship.
On my part, I was starting to fall for him -or was it really the idea of him- I wished we could hang in there until one of us could move closer to the other. I was already envisioning a life with him and there’s nothing I wanted more than to have my first child with him. But how do you build with someone who lives miles away from you, someone who is not even meeting you half way with all these plans?
Strike 2, I have learnt my lesson about long distance relationships.
THEY NEVER WORK!

So what now?
Now I peel off the preconceived ideas and break down the fairy tale in my head. One day another potential baby daddy will come along